What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
