everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Randomize
