I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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