I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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