I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Is Oprah even human
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
