i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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