He uses pillows to masturbate.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
