I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
