I accidentally burped into my bong.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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