I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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