That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
