i need an iv and a liver transplant
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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