I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
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his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
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When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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