I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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