So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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