I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
