shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
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