I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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