I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My cat gives me a boner
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
