Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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