the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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