I'm pants shitting drunk right now
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
