i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
