dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
