I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
