I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
