I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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