Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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