i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
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I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
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We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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