and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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