btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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