Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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