Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
