Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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