I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
