I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
 go to hell.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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