He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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