Apparently you make a good broom.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
