I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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