i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
