My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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