Just took my morning after pill in the library
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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