just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
