I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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