Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
