Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
