I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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