last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
