just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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