i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize