non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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