all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
