everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
