when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
