My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Randomize
